Phantasiis

  • Phantasiis presents “Vacio (Empty)”

    A demo song about anhedonia. Produced, written, and recorded by Ernesto Gonzales from Phantasiis Productions. Made on MPC software. Arranged in FL Studio 21. Mixed and Mastered in Logic Pro.

    Vocals recorded in one take using a Shure SM58 in Logic Pro. Used boom bap preset vocals from Waves. CLA Vocals and Butch Big Vocals for the signal chain.

    Phantasiis – “Vacio (Empty)”

    I wanted to let my feelings out. This seemed the best way to do so. As I have been absent from my art lately, this is a way to remind me that I can always come back.

    Video created with Midjourney, Canva, InShot, and Captions app. Thank you for listening. A new version will be released on All Streaming platforms in the near future. Stay tuned.

    #Phantasiis #Vacio #Empty #PhantasiisVacio #BoomBap #UndergroundHipHop #BilingualRap

  • How To Be An Unhappy Creative

    Or how to stop feeding the soul.

    The question is simple, what can I do to be an unhappy creative? Here are some ideas on what to do.

    1. Complain about not having time for creativity

    Because I must have all day available, no work, no meetings, no one to see or be responsable for. Just all day to work on a few hours at best on a project.

    2. Keep neglecting my sleep, health, and what I eat

    Since I have to work harder than the next artistic peer out there, I must keep neglecting the machine that keeps me going, in order to keep going.

    3. Being available for others first, and keeping myself and the craft for last

    Since I cannot move on if I don’t have approval from others, I must find my creative fulfillment by overextending myself and spending all my mental energy on the outside world.

    4. Keep comparing myself to everyone out there

    It will make me a better artist and creative to constantly seek how others do better or worse than me. Feeding my ego or feeling attacked by the talent of other artists is definitely going to keep me going.

    5. Being around people that do not share a passion for something other than themselves

    Because its inspiring to try and discuss creativity and what makes us tick to people that are only waiting to respond and not actually listening to you

    6. Keep waiting for inspiration to strike and the right moment to work on the craft

    The muse must be present as a pre-condition for creativity. Not getting to work nor seeking and finding the muse and inspiration ourselves is going work.

    And that’s a good start.

    I hope that you see this for what it is. Its a personal recipe that I know works every time I want to feel uneasy and not happy. I do believe that pain and strong emotions are necessary to create and fuel creativity, but not all the time and specially not on purpose.

    What it is not necessary is to ignore that I am a creative. Creating art is a way to communicate my feelings and abstractions in to the material world.

    So why keep pushing creative work outside your life if you are an artist?

    I believe we all have our reasons. To me, those reasons feel more like a punishment. As if not doing and avoiding what makes me feel alive will eventually make me feel I’m doing the right thing. But am I really?

    Dark moments are inevitable. To keep suffering beyond that is totally up to us.

    Keep on creating, when possible. Look for other artists for inspiration rather than competition. See an artist perform. Support and share their work.

    We are on this together, and for a finite time. Might as well make the most of it.

    Let your art keep on living and inspiring others when you’re not here. That right there, to me, is a good thing.

  • Choosing our Baggage


    “You can only help people feel better about their life, but you cannot take on yourself their struggles because that’s not your load to bear.”

    I’d like to take a moment to be mindful. Without my own struggles I wouldn’t have the strength to know that I can push through at the end. To begin with requires being aware that you are struggling. You can live in survival mode for an extended period and not realize you are struggling and get accustomed to it. On the other hand, you are in a hopeless situation with no future and find out too late, like it happened to me not long ago.

    You might think that being in a negative situation is normal. Almost expected. When someone arrives in your life and shows you the other side, or when someone leaves your life to show you how different and positive life is without them, that’s when it hits you. It hit me hard.

    Noticing that change is possible, that it can be a decision -though, sometimes difficult- is already half the battle. Bringing it to awareness is already a catalyst to make that move. To go all in, or all out and leave. In my case it was the latter.

    Often, I’ve been in situations where I’m too caught up in my own narrative that it is hard to change perspective. Usually, it is my body who is the first to tell me to take a break. To remove myself from the equation I thought I had to be in to get an answer. An answer to a question that wasn’t mine to begin with. Your body might send pain signals, uneasiness, stress, anxiety, lack of motivation, energy, or sleep. These last two are the most common to me. I felt drained.

    To be brief, I experienced a situation where I was sharing a space with someone who was experiencing a tough time. Initially, I was there to help that person out. It was what friends do. Sooner than later, I was already working from there and eventually living there. As the quote illustrates at the top, it took me time and pain to realize that I didn’t want this to be my life.

    And there I was. Thinking about doing something right and I overdid it, putting others before me, trying to play hero where the battle wasn’t mine. It was my choice to be part of it, and it showed me how I can disguise myself as doing good when it was to fulfill a subconscious desire.

    Perhaps, the idea of being needed and being able to provide for someone. I’ve been thinking long and hard about that. I know that I may have helped, and, in the end, caused pain and disappointment when I left.

    I feel sorry about it. And I have reached out and asked for forgiveness.


    In the end, I had to protect my wellbeing and sanity. Had to ask myself if this is how I wanted to live life. The answer was that I needed to surround myself with individuals who want to grow, that have ambition and want to find themselves.

    “Don’t push a boulder uphill just because you can”

    -Ernesto

  • Lost and Found

    The feeling of being stuck and the struggle of change. 

    I started to think that something was off with me when I started to feel physically exhausted and mentally clouded daily. Waking up was a pain, let alone staying awake for the first hours during work. During the night I seemed alive, and I didn’t want to sleep early at all. 

    That’s how it started.

    It was a slow buildup of a routine that I thought I could handle. Taking one hour or two of less sleep every day if I could recover them over the weekend, in theory. Add a miserable diet and the recipe was heading for a disaster.

    I started to become aware of the hole I dug myself into. A few feet under in the name of productivity and my art. I felt that if I did my job well, and at the end of my shift I worked on music and played video games until late at night I was proving myself that I “could”. To perform well with little sleep and eating junk. Good luck with that.

    I was paying the price of this disservice to myself. I started to notice that I was comfortable. Too comfortable where I was at the time. I started to feel that I needed a change. The question was, how was I supposed to change when I was too tired to begin with? It bothered me. 

    Until my girlfriend suggested that I should try working my sleep first. That was hard to do at the beginning, even if I knew she had a point. The thought of not playing video games and making music for less time than usual caused me anxiety. I was going to “miss” the possibilities.

    I started to get a clear picture when I started to listen to the book ‘Can’t Hurt Me’ by David Goggins. I needed a plan and motivation. That book delivered that and much more.

    Hearing his story, mindset, and how he transformed himself was inspiring. It made me ‘cut through my bullshit’ and to ‘own the mornings’ among other lessons. It really made me realize that the human body was full of potential. I was letting that go away.

    I started to focus more on my relationship with my girlfriend. Living through that self-induced depression was an act of selfishness on my end. It was hurting us both. Now I am working on being present for her and taking care of myself first.

    I cut my hours of video games significantly and focused some of those hours into creating more music. I am working on releasing an EP that hopefully will be released before the fall. 

    I started to fall asleep earlier and wake up early 6 days a week. I am starting to exercise again after a long hiatus. Mostly jogging, and bodyweight exercises. 

    Thanks to my girlfriend, now I am fond of salads and making smoothies. I never consumed nor ate this amount of healthy stuff in a short period of time. It is intense how the body reacts to real food.

    I’m working on developing a sustainable routine that brings me wellness and more time with my loved ones. There are days where I take a breaks, such as today. I’m writing this to reflect on how easy it is to get lost in our routines, and how I found myself through change. One thing at a time. 

    I’m a work in progress, with no intention to end until further notice.

    Lastly, I’d like to live you with this quote:

    “Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back.” – Marcus Aurelius

    Mondai-nai!

    Ernesto

  • RX to Self: Please Slow Down

    It’s been 12 years since I started this path. Mental illness wasn’t the problem. The struggle was how to regain my confidence and self-esteem after the first onset of symptoms. 

    In retrospect, I felt like an observer. I was aware of my surroundings and the people around me. The constant struggle to try to belong to the scene that was right in front of me. Family reunions, going out with friends, going to a concert. Anything social was uncomfortable to me. 

    More importantly, I felt I wasn’t my true self.

    When I’ve moved to the US 10 years ago, the idea of being an observer started to fade. I became careless about it. I was happy to start a new chapter in life where I could be more independent. I’ve lost school years during my time in Mexico, and I was determined to never let that happen again. Until my symptoms started to take a slow and tender grip on me.

    And there I was, going to school with the best intentions to not breakdown. I had the will to not surrender. I had to prove myself that I could do it, that I could belong to the group. Instead of being an observer, I’ve became a witness of my own thoughts. I’ve started to become anxious about others being witness of my symptoms. 

    The daily inner battle lasted for several years. I’ve started to evolve with it. Faking that nothing was happening with me. I became desensitized of my needs, and it took a toll  on me from time to time. By this I mean going to the hospital several times because I couldn’t take it anymore. 

    Stigma is real and I believe that mental illness is a topic that not many of us like to discuss. Perhaps is lack of understanding, or simply lack of sensibility. 

    What if instead of talking about mental illness, we reframe the context to mental wellness? The emotions and ideas portrayed by the word ‘illness’ and ‘wellness’ are diametrically opposed. However, these two terms are interwoven, they are connected. You cannot have one without the other. 

    I’m a human being that’s working towards that balance. I tend to overextend myself when I’m doing something that I love. It may be when I’m working or studying, being with friends, being in a relationship, or making music. These are things that I tend to have trouble to keep in harmony.

    I’ve got the opportunity to recover my path after a recent hospitalization. I’ve moved the start of my graduate program for the spring, and I’m working on getting more experience on the field of psychology and mental wellness. What I’ve noticed about this, is the way I’m experiencing it.

    I’m becoming more aware and attuned to my body through meditation. I’ve been doing it more often, and now I’ve got the opportunity to join a group of guided meditation. I’m learning to regain my attention and focus on what’s around me. Sometimes is hard to practice it, but I try my best on every chance.

    I haven’t played much music, nor composed anything. I just don’t feel ready for now. I’ve been writing on my journal, and talking with family and friends. Trying to pick up my pieces together after my resent episode. I’ve been applying to different jobs and trying to reconnect with myself, once again. 

    Taking stock on how I’ve dealt with my relationships with people I love is something I’m working on this morning. In order to that, I need to slow down.

    Thank you for reading.

    On Wellness,

    -Ernesto