It is Sunday, 1:17 am, and I cannot sleep. Emotions are strong tonight. I feel anger inside. The truth is that I feel anxious, and that makes me react with anger. It makes me feel frustrated because I thought I was fine, until I started remembering.
A cascade of moments, that very soon started to stop being about my former relationship, and became more and more about my darkest moments. It took me a while to realize that I am stressed because once again I have not had time in solitude. It makes me feel guilty because tonight, I am needed as a friend and as a companion. I am not fulfilling any of those roles right now. I decided to step back for a second and desperately write my thoughts on my notebook. Writing is an effective tranquilizer.
It started by stopping my breathing. The pattern I had became erratic, deep and shallow. My friend picked-up on that and asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was fine. And here I am, writing about how I do not really feel that way.
I tried to meditate and be mindful about by breathing, but I was too upset and submerged with my imaginary scenarios. I could not fall a sleep that way. I decided to grab my notebook and start jotting down freehand whatever I had on my mind, and it worked. I am finally breathing normally. My heartbeat stabilized itself. The anxiety went away. While writing, I realized that I was grieving. My body was feeling sad, and my subconscious was sending the signals for sometime now, I was just unaware of it. Now that I can see the situation, I can work on it by accepting it and letting it be. The chapter will close soon, and it is a bittersweet feeling. I feel happy about it, however because I know that it will go well. I want nothing but the best.
I am ready to sleep.
In wellness,
-E.
