Shared Dreams

Shared Dreams

Where you been?

I was longing for your return

Waiting for my turn

To share with you my dream

A dream about a place

Full of music and light

Where I had to inevitably embrace

The beauty in your eyes

When you look at me

And ask me why

I answer nothing

I have nowhere to hide

Then you ask me

Where I’ve been?

That you were longing for my return

That you were waiting for your turn

To share your dream with me.

And it was so beautiful.

Writing About What Hurts

Writing About What Hurts

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.”

― Ernest Hemingway 

This quote has been inside my mind lately. Most of my writing is inspired by what’s hurting and confusing me. The struggles of trying to give meaning to what I can’t explain to someone in person. Explaining how I feel can be problematic. Sometimes, I can’t emulate to others how I feel at the moment.

I express myself better when I sit down to write. It’s a type of ritual that gives me understanding. It’s a form of meditation that helps me see what’s my problem. The feeling of clarity that I get through journaling is therapeutic. The act of writing about what hurts demands attention. This helps me focus in the moment. The chaos stops expanding, and starts focusing on what’s happening now. 

Looking at yourself can be difficult. You might choose to look to the other side, and that’s okay, too. When I’m in that state of not wanting to see what’s going on, I know that sooner or later I’ll be looking at my reflection. You can only hide pain for so long until your circles start to notice it as well.

Denial can be expressed without words. 

What hurts now is that I can’t hold grudges anymore. It’s been about 20 years since I made a vow to not forgive and to not forget. The moment I lost hope and respect to someone that I don’t even know anymore. I didn’t realize how much anger I had inside, but also how fragile that memory made me feel. I didn’t know that this memory still hurt. That’s why I’m writing today. It’s the beginning of a conversation with myself, and see why I can’t let it go.

Would you feel happy if you weren’t depressed anymore?

What would you do differently if that was the case?

What’s stopping you?

I’ll be thinking about these questions today.

Thank you for reading.

-Ernesto

The Tree that Cried

The night brought the moonlight
Caressing the tree, with patience
Erasing the darkness around it
Giving it life among the dead

A garden full of murdered dreams.

Dreams that never came true
Dreams that waited an eternity
But the eternal has an end here
Infinity can stop on this garden

The tree couldn’t understand why
Why it was alone, surrounded by death
Entrenched in nothing bud sadness
Even its roots were flooded with anhedonia

A garden full of empty emotions.

Emotions that once were vibrant
Like the tree once was
A memory that is fading, slowly
All that is left is silence

The horrifying desperation of being alone.

The tree had nothing but the moon
That gave its light to it
Without questioning, without reasons
The tree didn’t wanted to know either

When everything around you is dead
Without dreams and hopes
Full of anhedonic creatures
Only your silence gives you company

All that’s left are the fading memories
Of what you used to be
The tree couldn’t help itself
It started to cry

The fear of nothingness arrived
The garden grew and expanded
The moon kept giving its light
Comforting the tree

But the tree was still alone.

During the Night

woman sleeping
Photo by Ivan Obolensky on Pexels.com

During the night

I feel them

Coming thirsty

Eating my will and confidence

A thousand hands

Reaching to my mind

Touching my fears

Tempting with my life

A voice speaking

“Good night”

Until I fall sleep

Nightmares rising

Waking alone

Full of marks and scars

Inside my thoughts I’m becoming

An outsider of my own mind.

Guidance

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“Do you believe that I will do the right thing? I don’t have to ask you though, but I need your guidance. Decisions are hard for me most of the time. Everyone says that is fine, and time is being wasted waiting for guidance. I don’t know why my friend, but you seem to be the compass of my life. I’m codependent. You are my addiction. 

You are far from me. My days are not fulfilled without you. Patience is all I have and our good memories. Is just that I miss you. I want to hear your voice. I want to see you smile. Hug you until it hurts. I want to talk to you. Sometimes it seems like you disappeared.

But it was me who left. “

Mountain

scenic view of forest during night time
Photo by Hristo Fidanov on Pexels.com

You and I created a mountain

Made of rocks of love and distance

Bushes of hugs and feelings

We build a hard resistance

We went high, very high

Reaching the sky

Creating a new life

Turning darkness into light

Suddenly, after a long time

Our apex, our top became cold

Full of ice

Our mountain was cold

And there was no heaven

Just a sad blue sky

The sun and its light

Were not enough

To warm us

Our freezing relationship

The moon was our witness

Together, covered by sea

A sea of diamond stars

Our love was decaying

Our words leaved us with cold scars

The tears of a dark cloud

Were a rampage to us, our mountain

The drops turned to a river

Dividing and destroying everything

We were getting destroyed

And our bushes drowned

Nature was right, we needed to stay apart

As a distant road that lead us to each other

But we defied nature. 

I Remember

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“I remember the blood on the walls. The painting on the wall, it was her, the maiden with the black dress. It was her gaze, her black eyes that looked at me. The red was everywhere. I can’t forget it. I was laying on the floor, anxious and paranoid. And then, I saw hell on the tv screen.

I rise myself  and go to the bathroom. I looked at the mirror and my face wasn’t there. It was the head of an animal, with two long horns. My hearth stopped. I couldn’t look at the mirror. I didn’t wanted to see my inner demon.

My thoughts were rising. Everything was a spiral in my mind. Then I saw a letter that said that sometimes I hallucinate. That my mind was gaining control of me. The tears dropped on the letter. I felt guilty without apparent reason. All I knew was that the letter didn’t lie. Someone special sent it to me on my last day of transformation.

With such innocence, anyone can tell you the truth. That these were my last days of mental freedom. I became colder with my loved ones in one way or another. Since that day, people who knew me didn’t looked at me at the eyes the same way. Yet, I can see my weakness in their eyes. As if I lost a game and the consolation price was isolation.”

Until the Last


My time is neutral

It stopped in one scene

That’s why I’m immortal

 No more reason to bleed

One photograph tells my past

That I once lived with a smile

With a dream, without evil

Without negative desires

Even though my body is aging

Its my mind that doesn’t grow

I make the pain painless

But my body doesn’t stop

Like the rose that rises

Trying to touch the sun

It will die trying

Until the last pedal falls.

Morita Therapy

Morita Therapy

Recently, while having a moment of anxiety, I discovered that I was doing a version of Morita therapy as a way of dealing with my symptoms. This type of therapy comes from Japanese psychology. Today, I am sharing with you what I am learning about it, and how it is helping me.

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Writer’s Block Afterthoughts

Writer’s Block Afterthoughts

A hurricane of urgent thoughts.
All of them seem important.
All of them seem useless, too.
An unbearable necessity to solve them.

A never-ending loop of negativity.
The feedback loop stops the moment I write it down.

All of the sudden, the hurricane disappears.

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Being Productive While On Vacation

Being Productive While On Vacation

I took some time off in order to focus on preparing to apply for graduate school in the upcoming months. The first half of the semester will be intense. I must get the fundamentals done before school starts.

Between the days and nights, I have been working on music, and learning a bit more of mixing, a skill I am currently developing.

I would like to share what I have been doing lately to keep myself on track academically and musically.

Continue reading “Being Productive While On Vacation”