It’s a way that sadness manifests itself. A depressive period where you’re trying to make yourself feel anything else other than you. Coping skills are what define you during this moment.
Please know that it won’t last forever. What you do during this period might do, however.
Continue reading “It’s Not Your Time”Hello,
I’ve released a new spoken-word, 11 tracks EP in Spanish. It’s titled “Diferencial: Tuvo un Día Triste” (Differential: He had a sad day).
This EP is composed of poems that I wrote, based on love and heartbreak with the point of view of someone who has a mental health condition.
It deals with topics of anxiety, lack of emotions, the silences that couples experience at times when there’s much to say.
It explains that sensation when someone you care about tries to diagnose you unintentionally, out of curiosity.
The music itself is minimalistic. The main focus was on the vocals, which were difficult to record but forced me to be creative with the tools I had.
Overall, I’m satisfied with this experiment. I’m visualizing more of this, but more guitar driven.
This EP is also available on Apple Music, YouTube, Amazon, and on most streaming services.
Muchas Gracias,
-Ernesto
The night brought the moonlight
Caressing the tree, with patience
Erasing the darkness around it
Giving it life among the dead
A garden full of murdered dreams.
Dreams that never came true
Dreams that waited an eternity
But the eternal has an end here
Infinity can stop on this garden
The tree couldn’t understand why
Why it was alone, surrounded by death
Entrenched in nothing bud sadness
Even its roots were flooded with anhedonia
A garden full of empty emotions.
Emotions that once were vibrant
Like the tree once was
A memory that is fading, slowly
All that is left is silence
The horrifying desperation of being alone.
The tree had nothing but the moon
That gave its light to it
Without questioning, without reasons
The tree didn’t wanted to know either
When everything around you is dead
Without dreams and hopes
Full of anhedonic creatures
Only your silence gives you company
All that’s left are the fading memories
Of what you used to be
The tree couldn’t help itself
It started to cry
The fear of nothingness arrived
The garden grew and expanded
The moon kept giving its light
Comforting the tree
But the tree was still alone.
During the night
I feel them
Coming thirsty
Eating my will and confidence
A thousand hands
Reaching to my mind
Touching my fears
Tempting with my life
A voice speaking
“Good night”
Until I fall sleep
Nightmares rising
Waking alone
Full of marks and scars
Inside my thoughts I’m becoming
An outsider of my own mind.
“I remember the blood on the walls. The painting on the wall, it was her, the maiden with the black dress. It was her gaze, her black eyes that looked at me. The red was everywhere. I can’t forget it. I was laying on the floor, anxious and paranoid. And then, I saw hell on the tv screen.
I rise myself and go to the bathroom. I looked at the mirror and my face wasn’t there. It was the head of an animal, with two long horns. My hearth stopped. I couldn’t look at the mirror. I didn’t wanted to see my inner demon.
My thoughts were rising. Everything was a spiral in my mind. Then I saw a letter that said that sometimes I hallucinate. That my mind was gaining control of me. The tears dropped on the letter. I felt guilty without apparent reason. All I knew was that the letter didn’t lie. Someone special sent it to me on my last day of transformation.
With such innocence, anyone can tell you the truth. That these were my last days of mental freedom. I became colder with my loved ones in one way or another. Since that day, people who knew me didn’t looked at me at the eyes the same way. Yet, I can see my weakness in their eyes. As if I lost a game and the consolation price was isolation.”
If only you knew
How much I need you
How much I miss you
The doubt kills me
You don’t know how much
I remember when I kissed you
And stared at your lips
I felt them
And touched your hands
I wish it lasted forever
But I know it wasn’t true
Everything goes slow without you
And when I’m with you
Everything goes fast
When I wake up I don’t believe it
It was just a dream
You and I are a dream
Something that our minds created
And it only lives inside of them
But like every good dream
We wake up
We think about it
And at the end, we forget it
Good night.
This past Friday, October 12, was my anniversary. When darkness happened. When the first set of symptoms triggered. When darkness arrived. I was 16 years old. I still wonder why.
The only worry I had is to get good grades. Making friends wasn’t necessarily a priority. I was a lonely guy. I didn’t mind. I preferred silence. My classmates used to call me “the silent one.” I used to wake up, go to school, ask questions during class, and go home. I had a few friends in my neighborhood. That’s all I needed.
Then it happened.
“You’re an outlier,” she told me. “You’ve achieved so much compared to others,” she added. I couldn’t hold it. My eyes started tearing. My voice was cracking. I couldn’t reply to her. I’ve heard that before. Continue reading “Outlier”
Suicide.
This is, by far, as open as I can be about it online.
My first attempt happened on 2011.
It has been more than a decade since it happened. It was a late October night. I could not fall a sleep, and the red screen of my alarm clock was staring at me. As if the clock was getting ready to do something the moment I closed my eyes.
Then, within the darkness of the four walls that surrounded me and without any announcement, hell imploded from my insides towards the outside realm.
That lonely night stopped being lonely. Now, I had company.
Music has been my emotional release lately. I had tried meditation several times and it does help to reach mental clarity. There is something unique when I am making music, however. I probably have not much experience yet with meditation to fully reach its benefits. I believe it makes me think better when I do it. When I am making music, the uniqueness that happens is that I do not necessarily have to be still, as meditation, to achieve a similar benefit. I consider it an active form of meditation with an immediate feedback. For instance, if I feel anxious, sad, happy, or aggressive emotions just to name a few, I could play something portraying that emotion. Since it is hard sometimes to express what one feels with words, music can mimic to a degree how I feel. Meanwhile, if I decide that I do not want to feel sad, I could attempt to play an idea in a major key, in order to produce something meaningful and diametrically opposite of what I feel at that moment. Doing the latter helps me to do some type of “emotional alchemy” if that makes sense. Transforming one emotion to another one.
On the other hand, one thing to note is that there are periods where I stop doing everything that makes me feel good. For a couple of days, and weeks at worst, I stop being focused. Instead, I get distracted by things that really do not matter, but somehow I focus on them as if they do.
Usually, I become aware of my distraction when it is beyond the initial stage, and it is well established on my environment. First, my bedroom that also serves as my music studio has the strong foundation of a well-organized mess. Second, doing laundry seems a thing I forgot how to do. Then, my fridge is empty at the same ratio that the trashcan is filled of junk food packages. This cycle happens more often that I would like to admit. However, I had found my focus once again. The time of solitude, reflection, and a bad diet has given me some clarity on this matter: I am a creative individual that has not fostered discipline on the self.
It will take time and effort to achieve some type of stability that I could maintain without thinking about it. I recovered some of my focus, and somehow it feels as if I found something rare. I would like to keep it, and do an effort to not lose it again among my organized disorder. I hope, that writing about this will help me consolidate this idea, and also serve as a starting point.
In focus,
-E.
Hello All,
My new EP Uncomfortable Reflections and Other Stories is out now on all streaming platforms.
It was an intimate experience writing and recording this record. It has a lot of meaning for me since I have been in an emotional rollercoaster lately. I hope, that some of the lyrics resonate with others.
Thank you for your support.
Music as catharsis,
-E.
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