Choosing our Baggage

Choosing our Baggage


“You can only help people feel better about their life, but you cannot take on yourself their struggles because that’s not your load to bear.”

I’d like to take a moment to be mindful. Without my own struggles I wouldn’t have the strength to know that I can push through at the end. To begin with requires being aware that you are struggling. You can live in survival mode for an extended period and not realize you are struggling and get accustomed to it. On the other hand, you are in a hopeless situation with no future and find out too late, like it happened to me not long ago.

You might think that being in a negative situation is normal. Almost expected. When someone arrives in your life and shows you the other side, or when someone leaves your life to show you how different and positive life is without them, that’s when it hits you. It hit me hard.

Noticing that change is possible, that it can be a decision -though, sometimes difficult- is already half the battle. Bringing it to awareness is already a catalyst to make that move. To go all in, or all out and leave. In my case it was the latter.

Often, I’ve been in situations where I’m too caught up in my own narrative that it is hard to change perspective. Usually, it is my body who is the first to tell me to take a break. To remove myself from the equation I thought I had to be in to get an answer. An answer to a question that wasn’t mine to begin with. Your body might send pain signals, uneasiness, stress, anxiety, lack of motivation, energy, or sleep. These last two are the most common to me. I felt drained.

To be brief, I experienced a situation where I was sharing a space with someone who was experiencing a tough time. Initially, I was there to help that person out. It was what friends do. Sooner than later, I was already working from there and eventually living there. As the quote illustrates at the top, it took me time and pain to realize that I didn’t want this to be my life.

And there I was. Thinking about doing something right and I overdid it, putting others before me, trying to play hero where the battle wasn’t mine. It was my choice to be part of it, and it showed me how I can disguise myself as doing good when it was to fulfill a subconscious desire.

Perhaps, the idea of being needed and being able to provide for someone. I’ve been thinking long and hard about that. I know that I may have helped, and, in the end, caused pain and disappointment when I left.

I feel sorry about it. And I have reached out and asked for forgiveness.


In the end, I had to protect my wellbeing and sanity. Had to ask myself if this is how I wanted to live life. The answer was that I needed to surround myself with individuals who want to grow, that have ambition and want to find themselves.

“Don’t push a boulder uphill just because you can”

-Ernesto

Lost and Found

Lost and Found

The feeling of being stuck and the struggle of change. 

I started to think that something was off with me when I started to feel physically exhausted and mentally clouded daily. Waking up was a pain, let alone staying awake for the first hours during work. During the night I seemed alive, and I didn’t want to sleep early at all. 

That’s how it started.

It was a slow buildup of a routine that I thought I could handle. Taking one hour or two of less sleep every day if I could recover them over the weekend, in theory. Add a miserable diet and the recipe was heading for a disaster.

I started to become aware of the hole I dug myself into. A few feet under in the name of productivity and my art. I felt that if I did my job well, and at the end of my shift I worked on music and played video games until late at night I was proving myself that I “could”. To perform well with little sleep and eating junk. Good luck with that.

I was paying the price of this disservice to myself. I started to notice that I was comfortable. Too comfortable where I was at the time. I started to feel that I needed a change. The question was, how was I supposed to change when I was too tired to begin with? It bothered me. 

Until my girlfriend suggested that I should try working my sleep first. That was hard to do at the beginning, even if I knew she had a point. The thought of not playing video games and making music for less time than usual caused me anxiety. I was going to “miss” the possibilities.

I started to get a clear picture when I started to listen to the book ‘Can’t Hurt Me’ by David Goggins. I needed a plan and motivation. That book delivered that and much more.

Hearing his story, mindset, and how he transformed himself was inspiring. It made me ‘cut through my bullshit’ and to ‘own the mornings’ among other lessons. It really made me realize that the human body was full of potential. I was letting that go away.

I started to focus more on my relationship with my girlfriend. Living through that self-induced depression was an act of selfishness on my end. It was hurting us both. Now I am working on being present for her and taking care of myself first.

I cut my hours of video games significantly and focused some of those hours into creating more music. I am working on releasing an EP that hopefully will be released before the fall. 

I started to fall asleep earlier and wake up early 6 days a week. I am starting to exercise again after a long hiatus. Mostly jogging, and bodyweight exercises. 

Thanks to my girlfriend, now I am fond of salads and making smoothies. I never consumed nor ate this amount of healthy stuff in a short period of time. It is intense how the body reacts to real food.

I’m working on developing a sustainable routine that brings me wellness and more time with my loved ones. There are days where I take a breaks, such as today. I’m writing this to reflect on how easy it is to get lost in our routines, and how I found myself through change. One thing at a time. 

I’m a work in progress, with no intention to end until further notice.

Lastly, I’d like to live you with this quote:

“Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back.” – Marcus Aurelius

Mondai-nai!

Ernesto

Shared Dreams

Shared Dreams

Where you been?

I was longing for your return

Waiting for my turn

To share with you my dream

A dream about a place

Full of music and light

Where I had to inevitably embrace

The beauty in your eyes

When you look at me

And ask me why

I answer nothing

I have nowhere to hide

Then you ask me

Where I’ve been?

That you were longing for my return

That you were waiting for your turn

To share your dream with me.

And it was so beautiful.

Our Song and Silence

Our Song and Silence

I started to hear our song

The one that we danced

Together, as one, as a whole

With our bodies and souls

I realize that you’re not here

Not with me, not together anymore

And we’re not dancing either

Our bodies and souls are now apart

Silence is what I want

Please turn off the music and lights

I don’t want to hear our song

The one we used to dance

Together, as a whole.

Thank You (Letter) | New Single

Thank You (Letter) | New Single

This song was written as a reminder to myself. To be thankful for people that I welcome to my life. To be aware of who I let to hear my story.

It turned out to be a lesson for me.

Thank you for listening. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments or the contact form.

Mondai nai,

-Ernesto

Falling Gently

Falling Gently

This post is about self-awareness. I was on a funk for some time. Now, things are different because I think about them differently.

Its perspective.

As I’ve discussed on my last post update, I took a break from digital distractions. I realized in a few days how much time I had to do things that brought me joy. I’m working on song ideas after challenging the assumption that I’m too busy for music.

In reality, I wasn’t focused. 

Distraction took a toll on me.

The funk I experienced was a byproduct of how I was spending my time. I was feeling unproductive, without energy. I felt that I was heading towards a period of depression. I knew I wasn’t my usual self.

My mind and body were giving me the signals that I wasn’t living, but surviving. I wasn’t sleeping well. I was eating poorly. I was reactive instead of proactive.

I was falling gently into the vice grip of depression.

I had this feeling that I was sabotaging myself. I made the choice to be alone for some time to think. Taking stock on what I was doing, the story I was telling others and to myself. 

I parted ways with my now ex-partner. That turned out to be the catalyst for inner growth and self-improvement. It was a moment that gave me clarity. 

I learned that I can’t save others from themselves. I had to lose my self in the process to understand it. I had to take the fall. I just wished it wasn’t that gently, but I had to live the process, too.

It has been several weeks since then. What’s interesting is that my schedules got more demanding. I’m doing two positions at my job, plus my weekend internship, and my classes. I’m doing twice as more before the pre-onset of depression.

And you know what? I actually feel better. There’s power on time constrictions. Its making me get my act together, and start doing instead of focusing too much on my story. 

What I mean by the above is that I’m realizing how much our inner voice and what we say to others matters

If I keep thinking how miserable I am, and keep telling my story in that way, well, my perspective and belief system starts following that idea, too. I started to change my perspective and be mindful of how I tell my story. 

I started to be more aware with whom I was spending my time with. More importantly, to whom and to what I was giving my attention to. I started to break free from those self-imposed burdens.

I feel different since then. I feel that I’m reaching a different level of consciousness and awareness. I’m calmer, less reactive. My friends and colleagues tell me that I look different, happier, and at peace. 

I’m changing my story. I’m changing my environment and relationships. I’m not surviving for now, I’m living a different story. I’m confident that more challenges and set backs will come.

I won’t let them take me down gently when it happens.

Thank you for reading.

Mondai nai,

-Ernesto

What are You Ignoring?

What are You Ignoring?

I’ve been thinking about my priorities lately. I was taking stock on how I spend my time and money. I was wondering if I was where I wanted to be.

I’m doing alright.

For a moment, however, I considered if I could be doing better.

Continue reading “What are You Ignoring?”

New EP Out Now

Hello,

I’ve released a new spoken-word, 11 tracks EP in Spanish. It’s titled “Diferencial: Tuvo un Día Triste” (Differential: He had a sad day). 

Diferencial: Tuvo un Día Triste

This EP is composed of poems that I wrote, based on love and heartbreak with the point of view of someone who has a mental health condition. 

It deals with topics of anxiety, lack of emotions, the silences that couples experience at times when there’s much to say.

It explains that sensation when someone you care about tries to diagnose you unintentionally, out of curiosity. 

The music itself is minimalistic. The main focus was on the vocals, which were difficult to record but forced me to be creative with the tools I had. 

Overall, I’m satisfied with this experiment. I’m visualizing more of this, but more guitar driven. 

This EP is also available on Apple Music, YouTube, Amazon, and on most streaming services. 

Muchas Gracias,

-Ernesto

Please Dance With Me

Please Dance With Me

Music is no the same without you

It truly isn’t

It feels meaningless

It feels empty

Please, listen to these songs

 

The ones I write about you

Where I tell you how much I miss you

With metaphors and symbols

Music is not enough when you aren’t here

 

When we share songs together

It’s as if I just discovered them again

The songs have meaning

And a purpose

 

I like to listen to your music

And I love when you listen to my songs

I love to hear your notes

Like melodies that set me free

 

Now, I beg you

If you could please dance with me.

 

Silent Me (Get Out) – Lyrics

Silent Me (Get Out) – Lyrics

Silent Me (Get Out)

Our silences

Nothing damaged us more than our silences

Our fears of saying what we needed, what we wanted

 

The words could not form in our throats

We couldn’t say anything

I did not say anything

 

Our unspoken problems

Our insecurities

Our desires

Our pains

 

I closed the door, you had the key

I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t wanted to be free

A self-imposed punishment

 

I needed to suffer

But this was also a choice

 

It makes me wonder, what did you choose?

And I hope that you chose to be happy

And free

 

Get out of this room

Do not be like me.


Angry Hurricane – Lyrics

Angry Hurricane – Lyrics

I was feeling frustrated
I was not alone
And I just needed space

But I did not told you so
I chose to keep silence

And there I was, faking that I was fine
A hurricane of anger
But still, I made you a nice breakfast
Two eggs, sunny side up, fresh spinach and ham, with some coffee as well

I did not mention that I was furious
That I had a hurricane that was destroying me from the inside out
It was a hot summer morning
And I was feeling nothing close to warm inside

I became a frostbitten silent man
A speechless entity that was sharing breakfast next to you

I resembled more of a statue than a friend
I just did not wanted to be in me own skin
Mi silences started to speak by themselves
My body was screaming in desperation

I still do not know why I did not explode at that moment
I really wanted to release all of this

It seemed like a good idea to do it so by washing the dishes
And there I was, doing some occupational therapy

Until you noticed that the therapy that I needed was to leave me alone with my thoughts

You hugged me, and I could not hug you back the way I normally do
You left me alone, and I felt relief

I thought I handled it pretty damn good
I did not told you anything negative, nor insulting

I kept my thoughts and anger, and this hell of a hurricane inside of me as usual. As I always do.

This is just some wishful thinking
I wanted to believe that you didn’t notice
But I know you did

I know that you know my anger, and my silences
I forgot that tomorrow was your birthday

And here am I, creating havoc and hurricanes because I do not know any better