Checking-In

Checking-In

Next week is finals week. I’ll earn a bachelor’s degree in applied psychology. Last Thursday was my last lecture as an undergrad. I felt nostalgia. 

A chapter ends and another begins.

Many years and sacrifices happened to get to this point. Below are some questions that I’m exploring tonight. I would love to read your thoughts on them, too. 

1. Would you do it again?

2. What would you tell now to somebody who’s starting out?

3. What would your healthiest and smartest self would advice you?

4. What did you had to give up for to accomplish this?

5. What did you discover about yourself?

 Allow yourself to learn something outside from school or your trade. That activity could become an outlet to decompress from school or related stressors. Learning about music and reading non-academic books were instrumental for me. This semester was one of the busiest I had.

Somehow, I wasn’t as stressed as I thought. It felt as if I chose to not get stressed this time around. Peers and coworkers told me many times that I looked calm and zen. 

I believe that Morita Therapy helped me with that. I haven’t had anxiety symptoms since October. Reading the book gave me a mental frame to work with my emotions differently. Also, I read and almost finished Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport. I’ve been a fan of his works for some time now. 

Taking a break from social media a few months ago helped with my work and school output. I must say that I eventually returned, but my usage is minimum. I reached a point that I don’t mind not using it; at best I use it to share my blog posts and music, no more than that.

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I’ve been working on some beats that I plan to release soon. Music has been an outlet to explore my emotions, creativity, and learning skills. I’ve been getting into producing sample-based music. You’ll notice a different flavor under Phantasiis in comparison with my usual style. 

Summer is around the corner, and with it more time to dedicate to the craft. I haven’t written here in a while, but I’m still around.

What’ve you been up to?

Hasta pronto,

— Ernesto

Writing About What Hurts

Writing About What Hurts

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.”

― Ernest Hemingway 

This quote has been inside my mind lately. Most of my writing is inspired by what’s hurting and confusing me. The struggles of trying to give meaning to what I can’t explain to someone in person. Explaining how I feel can be problematic. Sometimes, I can’t emulate to others how I feel at the moment.

I express myself better when I sit down to write. It’s a type of ritual that gives me understanding. It’s a form of meditation that helps me see what’s my problem. The feeling of clarity that I get through journaling is therapeutic. The act of writing about what hurts demands attention. This helps me focus in the moment. The chaos stops expanding, and starts focusing on what’s happening now. 

Looking at yourself can be difficult. You might choose to look to the other side, and that’s okay, too. When I’m in that state of not wanting to see what’s going on, I know that sooner or later I’ll be looking at my reflection. You can only hide pain for so long until your circles start to notice it as well.

Denial can be expressed without words. 

What hurts now is that I can’t hold grudges anymore. It’s been about 20 years since I made a vow to not forgive and to not forget. The moment I lost hope and respect to someone that I don’t even know anymore. I didn’t realize how much anger I had inside, but also how fragile that memory made me feel. I didn’t know that this memory still hurt. That’s why I’m writing today. It’s the beginning of a conversation with myself, and see why I can’t let it go.

Would you feel happy if you weren’t depressed anymore?

What would you do differently if that was the case?

What’s stopping you?

I’ll be thinking about these questions today.

Thank you for reading.

-Ernesto