Moving On, Moving Forward

Moving On, Moving Forward

We must carve our own paths.

I woke up this morning reflecting on the above. I feel that the best thing that ever happened to me was to thrive to be independent. I must confess it took longer than I expected.

I’m not sure if this is a thing but knowing that I’ll be 30 years old this year makes me introspective on my past, act in the present, and now see a more tangible future.

Saying ‘no’ to requests from others to protect my time and integrity has been key lately. I don’t want to be the person who is reached only when it is needed, nor being the facilitator to make things easy for someone when they are capable to do it themselves. The latter has been triggering to a point that I just stopped replying to such persons and even ignore them. Instant peace of mind.

I’m a helper by nature. However, I’m against stopping my overall growth as a person and especially hindering the growth of others. To elaborate, I do my best to not follow suit on favors, requests, etc. to friends, relatives, and colleagues who just want a quick fix on their needs or wants.

It is a bittersweet feeling knowing that people whom I considered close friends are now becoming distant because they don’t need anything from me. Which is a good thing and a reality check for me because I now understand that some people in life will only reach out when they need something from you who is going to benefit them exclusively.

During my quest on finding my voice through music and writing, I realize that I’m not like that. I don’t reach out to my network to ask for anything because I tend to do things own my own. I believe that there’s a dynamic that I tend to favor, which is helping someone when they’re not requesting it.

I believe there’s power in that.

When doing an act of good faith and at the same time not expecting anything in return that’s when to me, the magic happens.

I’ve been looking for opportunities to create an impact, even if minimal, within my circle of friends and relatives. Just doing, saying, or giving things that will help that person grow, and carve their own path with a new tool, new mental model, or new perspective.

There’s a thin line regarding that, and I must be mindful. Not everyone I know will take advantage when there’s opportunity to grow and move forward. Even me.

In short, I’m being more mindful on who I give my time and attention to. I want to know and find people who have a growth mindset and that like me, want to carve their own path.

Back at the Craft | Update

Back at the Craft | Update

Here’s a song that I’ve made recently. It’s an instrumental where I try to emulate the Lo-Fi genre. I hope you like it!

“Where I’ve Been” – Ernesto Delirium

I stopped making music for several weeks due to my mental state and negative mindset. I started exercising during that time and did meditation consistently.

I feel that I started to notice a difference about three months in. I started to have more energy and was gradually becoming more at peace with myself.

That was the hardest. I’m the type of person that’s harsh towards itself. I’m my worst critic, and this feeling intensified after leaving the hospital. 

Friends have been instrumental during those tough times. Without their support and unconditional love, I would probably be dwelling on negativity. Thank you for being there for me. You know who you are.

I’ve been listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. It helps me stay focused and keep a groove when I’m shadow boxing or going for a walk. The picture below is from jog where I had to start writing some verses on my phone. That was the day when I recovered my inspiration for the craft.

Here’s the place where I recovered my love for music.

I got the opportunity to join a non-profit as a full-time employee. Right now I’m adjusting to the schedule and seeing what are going to be my time windows for creativity. I’m somewhat worried that my physical activity will decrease as well as my musical output. 

Going for walks during my lunch break have been good for me and I want to keep them consistent. 

One thing that has been helpful is improvising a standup desk. I used my piano stand and a guitar case and voila. This setup has been great for my back and overall posture. I feel more comfortable during music sessions by alternating siting and standing. I wonder why I didn’t think about this before.

Say hi to my new standup desk 🙂

I’ve been reading about Japanese psychology once again. This book has been helpful many times when I’m not doing well or I feel that I’m not being proactive. I found this podcast which has brought me to the world of spirituality and understand more about meditation. I’ve been listening to many episodes and I find meaning with the teachings. Sometimes the stories bring tears to my eyes.

I’ve been doing a lot of healing during my meditations. Feelings of guilt, sadness, pain, anger and sorrow have been present when I’m meditating. I let them consume me and release them in silence. This has been highly therapeutic for me.  

I’m in a better place now. My mental state has improved to the point of feeling like my usual self. I feel more connected to something greater than myself. I’m becoming more attuned with my body.

I’m giving myself permission to be happy. I’m allowing myself to enjoy life and be okay with who I am. After being in a dark place for several weeks, I feel that I’m recovering my identity and confidence. I’m making progress.

There’s plenty of inner work to do. I’m glad for that because it means plenty of growth opportunities. Its a road that I hope never ends.

I hope that this translates into my music.

Wishing you creativity and wellness.

Ernesto

Thank You (Letter) | New Single

Thank You (Letter) | New Single

This song was written as a reminder to myself. To be thankful for people that I welcome to my life. To be aware of who I let to hear my story.

It turned out to be a lesson for me.

Thank you for listening. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments or the contact form.

Mondai nai,

-Ernesto

The Tree that Cried

The night brought the moonlight
Caressing the tree, with patience
Erasing the darkness around it
Giving it life among the dead

A garden full of murdered dreams.

Dreams that never came true
Dreams that waited an eternity
But the eternal has an end here
Infinity can stop on this garden

The tree couldn’t understand why
Why it was alone, surrounded by death
Entrenched in nothing bud sadness
Even its roots were flooded with anhedonia

A garden full of empty emotions.

Emotions that once were vibrant
Like the tree once was
A memory that is fading, slowly
All that is left is silence

The horrifying desperation of being alone.

The tree had nothing but the moon
That gave its light to it
Without questioning, without reasons
The tree didn’t wanted to know either

When everything around you is dead
Without dreams and hopes
Full of anhedonic creatures
Only your silence gives you company

All that’s left are the fading memories
Of what you used to be
The tree couldn’t help itself
It started to cry

The fear of nothingness arrived
The garden grew and expanded
The moon kept giving its light
Comforting the tree

But the tree was still alone.

Five Lessons Learned After a Year of Music Releases

Five Lessons Learned After a Year of Music Releases

Time flies.

It’s been a year since I started to release songs through Spotify, Apple MusicDeezer, YouTube, Amazon, and iHeart Radio among many other outlets and stores.

I released 21 songs since October 2017.

A spoken-word record will be released in the near future.

I decided to do things differently with the latter. I decided to do the project in Spanish, my first language. I don’t know where it’s going to lead me, but I’m happy with the product. It’s a record that will have some of my favorite poems, in spoken-word format with a dark ambience. It’s a recollection of past experiences and memories that are here to stay, for better or worse. Please see below the following five lessons of the year.

Continue reading “Five Lessons Learned After a Year of Music Releases”

During the Night

woman sleeping
Photo by Ivan Obolensky on Pexels.com


During the night

I feel them

Coming thirsty

Eating my will and confidence

A thousand hands

Reaching to my mind

Touching my fears

Tempting with my life

A voice speaking

“Good night”

Until I fall sleep

Nightmares rising

Waking alone

Full of marks and scars

Inside my thoughts I’m becoming

An outsider of my own mind.

Mountain

scenic view of forest during night time
Photo by Hristo Fidanov on Pexels.com


You and I created a mountain

Made of rocks of love and distance

Bushes of hugs and feelings

We build a hard resistance

We went high, very high

Reaching the sky

Creating a new life

Turning darkness into light

Suddenly, after a long time

Our apex, our top became cold

Full of ice

Our mountain was cold

And there was no heaven

Just a sad blue sky

The sun and its light

Were not enough

To warm us

Our freezing relationship

The moon was our witness

Together, covered by sea

A sea of diamond stars

Our love was decaying

Our words leaved us with cold scars

The tears of a dark cloud

Were a rampage to us, our mountain

The drops turned to a river

Dividing and destroying everything

We were getting destroyed

And our bushes drowned

Nature was right, we needed to stay apart

As a distant road that lead us to each other

But we defied nature. 

I Remember

IMG_0737


“I remember the blood on the walls. The painting on the wall, it was her, the maiden with the black dress. It was her gaze, her black eyes that looked at me. The red was everywhere. I can’t forget it. I was laying on the floor, anxious and paranoid. And then, I saw hell on the tv screen.

I rise myself  and go to the bathroom. I looked at the mirror and my face wasn’t there. It was the head of an animal, with two long horns. My hearth stopped. I couldn’t look at the mirror. I didn’t wanted to see my inner demon.

My thoughts were rising. Everything was a spiral in my mind. Then I saw a letter that said that sometimes I hallucinate. That my mind was gaining control of me. The tears dropped on the letter. I felt guilty without apparent reason. All I knew was that the letter didn’t lie. Someone special sent it to me on my last day of transformation.

With such innocence, anyone can tell you the truth. That these were my last days of mental freedom. I became colder with my loved ones in one way or another. Since that day, people who knew me didn’t looked at me at the eyes the same way. Yet, I can see my weakness in their eyes. As if I lost a game and the consolation price was isolation.”

Until the Last


My time is neutral

It stopped in one scene

That’s why I’m immortal

 No more reason to bleed

One photograph tells my past

That I once lived with a smile

With a dream, without evil

Without negative desires

Even though my body is aging

Its my mind that doesn’t grow

I make the pain painless

But my body doesn’t stop

Like the rose that rises

Trying to touch the sun

It will die trying

Until the last pedal falls.

Good Night

moon and stars
Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

If only you knew
How much I need you
How much I miss you
The doubt kills me

You don’t know how much
I remember when I kissed you
And stared at your lips

I felt them

And touched your hands
I wish it lasted forever
But I know it wasn’t true

Everything goes slow without you
And when I’m with you
Everything goes fast
When I wake up I don’t believe it

It was just a dream
You and I are a dream
Something that our minds created
And it only lives inside of them

But like every good dream
We wake up
We think about it
And at the end, we forget it

Good night.

Eleven Years Ago: In Retrospect

Eleven Years Ago: In Retrospect

This past Friday, October 12, was my anniversary. When darkness happened. When the first set of symptoms triggered. When darkness arrived. I was 16 years old. I still wonder why.

The only worry I had is to get good grades. Making friends wasn’t necessarily a priority. I was a lonely guy. I didn’t mind. I preferred silence. My classmates used to call me “the silent one.” I used to wake up, go to school, ask questions during class, and go home. I had a few friends in my neighborhood. That’s all I needed. 

Then it happened.

Continue reading “Eleven Years Ago: In Retrospect”