Forgetting Who I Once Was

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It has been more than a decade since it happened. It was a late October night. I could not fall a sleep, and the red screen of my alarm clock was staring at me. As if the clock was getting ready to do something the moment I closed my eyes.

Then, within the darkness of the four walls that surrounded me and without any announcement, hell imploded from my insides towards the outside realm.

That lonely night stopped being lonely. Now, I had company.

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On Distraction and Finding Focus After an Organized Mess

 

black wireless headphones on gray electronic keyboard
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Music has been my emotional release lately. I had tried meditation several times and it does help to reach mental clarity. There is something unique when I am making music, however. I probably have not much experience yet with meditation to fully reach its benefits. I believe it makes me think better when I do it. When I am making music, the uniqueness that happens is that I do not necessarily have to be still, as meditation, to achieve a similar benefit. I consider it an active form of meditation with an immediate feedback. For instance, if I feel anxious, sad, happy, or aggressive emotions just to name a few, I could play something portraying that emotion. Since it is hard sometimes to express what one feels with words, music can mimic to a degree how I feel. Meanwhile, if I decide that I do not want to feel sad, I could attempt to play an idea in a major key, in order to produce something meaningful and diametrically opposite of what I feel at that moment. Doing the latter helps me to do some type of “emotional alchemy” if that makes sense. Transforming one emotion to another one.

On the other hand, one thing to note is that there are periods where I stop doing everything that makes me feel good. For a couple of days, and weeks at worst, I stop being focused. Instead, I get distracted by things that really do not matter, but somehow I focus on them as if they do.

Usually, I become aware of my distraction when it is beyond the initial stage, and it is well established on my environment. First, my bedroom that also serves as my music studio has the strong foundation of a well-organized mess. Second, doing laundry seems a thing I forgot how to do. Then, my fridge is empty at the same ratio that the trashcan is filled of junk food packages. This cycle happens more often that I would like to admit. However, I had found my focus once again. The time of solitude, reflection, and a bad diet has given me some clarity on this matter: I am a creative individual that has not fostered discipline on the self.

It will take time and effort to achieve some type of stability that I could maintain without thinking about it. I recovered some of my focus, and somehow it feels as if I found something rare. I would like to keep it, and do an effort to not lose it again among my organized disorder. I hope, that writing about this will help me consolidate this idea, and also serve as a starting point.

In focus,
-E.

New EP Out Now

Hello All,

My new EP Uncomfortable Reflections and Other Stories is out now on all streaming platforms.

It was an intimate experience writing and recording this record. It has a lot of meaning for me since I have been in an emotional rollercoaster lately. I hope, that some of the lyrics resonate with others.

Thank you for your support.

Music as catharsis,

-E. 

The End of The Tunnel

Tonight, I found that I was at a lost. It was not about winning anything, or to prove a point. It was about becoming responsible for something I am not. What I was going to say did not matter, the decision was already made. An excuse was needed, that is all.

Tonight, I let someone down.

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Anger Afterhours

It is Sunday, 1:17 am, and I cannot sleep. Emotions are strong tonight. I feel anger inside. The truth is that I feel anxious, and that makes me react with anger. It makes me feel frustrated because I thought I was fine, until I started remembering.

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Broken, But Not Alone – Daily Prompt

abstract break broken broken glass
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Just sad, plain.

Empty, with no desires.

Just this numbing pain.

My once vast well of emotions is drying out.

Drop by Drop.

For others, is almost entertaining.

And I don’t have time for laughter

When I feel that my soul is being slaughtered.

I try to make a conscious effort

To recognize the signals

To prevent more pain from myself

And when I notice it, it is too late

There is no escape.

Until I reacted.

I saw and recognized my vulnerability

I saw how fragile I am.

How broken.

Forgotten.

And I realized:

“I am broken, and it means that I am into pieces.

That means I am everywhere.

And when I feel sad, the universe is sad with me too.

It’s making me company.”

Now, I know that it is okay to cry for no reason.

To feel overwhelmed by words of kindness.

But all that it means is that I have to be strong.

I will survive this depression and its thorns.

It is part of the ritual.

I am not alone.

via Daily Prompt: Broken