Falling Gently

Falling Gently

This post is about self-awareness. I was on a funk for some time. Now, things are different because I think about them differently.

Its perspective.

As I’ve discussed on my last post update, I took a break from digital distractions. I realized in a few days how much time I had to do things that brought me joy. I’m working on song ideas after challenging the assumption that I’m too busy for music.

In reality, I wasn’t focused. 

Distraction took a toll on me.

The funk I experienced was a byproduct of how I was spending my time. I was feeling unproductive, without energy. I felt that I was heading towards a period of depression. I knew I wasn’t my usual self.

My mind and body were giving me the signals that I wasn’t living, but surviving. I wasn’t sleeping well. I was eating poorly. I was reactive instead of proactive.

I was falling gently into the vice grip of depression.

I had this feeling that I was sabotaging myself. I made the choice to be alone for some time to think. Taking stock on what I was doing, the story I was telling others and to myself. 

I parted ways with my now ex-partner. That turned out to be the catalyst for inner growth and self-improvement. It was a moment that gave me clarity. 

I learned that I can’t save others from themselves. I had to lose my self in the process to understand it. I had to take the fall. I just wished it wasn’t that gently, but I had to live the process, too.

It has been several weeks since then. What’s interesting is that my schedules got more demanding. I’m doing two positions at my job, plus my weekend internship, and my classes. I’m doing twice as more before the pre-onset of depression.

And you know what? I actually feel better. There’s power on time constrictions. Its making me get my act together, and start doing instead of focusing too much on my story. 

What I mean by the above is that I’m realizing how much our inner voice and what we say to others matters

If I keep thinking how miserable I am, and keep telling my story in that way, well, my perspective and belief system starts following that idea, too. I started to change my perspective and be mindful of how I tell my story. 

I started to be more aware with whom I was spending my time with. More importantly, to whom and to what I was giving my attention to. I started to break free from those self-imposed burdens.

I feel different since then. I feel that I’m reaching a different level of consciousness and awareness. I’m calmer, less reactive. My friends and colleagues tell me that I look different, happier, and at peace. 

I’m changing my story. I’m changing my environment and relationships. I’m not surviving for now, I’m living a different story. I’m confident that more challenges and set backs will come.

I won’t let them take me down gently when it happens.

Thank you for reading.

Mondai nai,

-Ernesto

Angry With A Choice

Angry With A Choice

Choosing how to react when something happens to you is a skill. I’ve been practicing it during the winter break. It’s knowing that you are in control of your reaction, regardless of the emotion being present.

This practice comes handy during times when your only option is to be strong.

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The Question I Ask When I’m Feeling Anxious

The Question I Ask When I’m Feeling Anxious

I had an anxiety attack while getting ready for my internship. To be honest, I don’t know what triggered it, it just happened.

I was doing well for several days. This episode served me as a reminder and a learning experience, too.

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After the Exam

After the Exam

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I’ve been on a sea of emotions. I had highs and lows since the last blog post. I’ve smiled, cried, experienced peace and chaos. I was worried, nervous, and overwhelmed. I felt that life was on hold. I focused so much on the graduate school entry exam. The focus was so much that was causing me to neglect everything else. In a way, I stopped living and enjoying life.

It never occurred to me what I was going to do the next day.

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Why I’m Not Good Enough

Why I’m Not Good Enough

You have what it takes. At least that’s what you’ve been told. Why is this so hard to believe it then? This lack of self-confidence is in my head today. Feeling that I’m not good enough. It is causing me anxiety. This is known as the impostor syndrome. 

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When It’s Time To Record Music

When It’s Time To Record Music

You know it’s time. The ideas are there, and you can hear the melody inside of you. Maybe you feel the rhythm in your hands. Perhaps you already got the chorus down, or the last verse for your unwritten song. The build up of emotions and ideas that will be your fuel when you are about to reach that flow state. 

And it begins: a writing or recording session at your studio. The moment is just right.

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Concluding Thoughts After Finishing A Song

I am releasing a new single this Friday, September 21st on Spotify. This song has a lot of meaning for me because I recorded it at the tipping point of desperation. Hence, it seemed appropriate to title it “Completely Desperate.” This song was cathartic and necessary for me to do. I have been wanting to record music for several weeks, but I could not bring myself to do it the way I envisioned it in my mind.

On that note, I realized something about creating music that I was ignoring at the time.
What I envisioned lacked perspective.

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Morita Therapy

Morita Therapy

Recently, while having a moment of anxiety, I discovered that I was doing a version of Morita therapy as a way of dealing with my symptoms. This type of therapy comes from Japanese psychology. Today, I am sharing with you what I am learning about it, and how it is helping me.

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Writer’s Block Afterthoughts

Writer’s Block Afterthoughts

A hurricane of urgent thoughts.
All of them seem important.
All of them seem useless, too.
An unbearable necessity to solve them.

A never-ending loop of negativity.
The feedback loop stops the moment I write it down.

All of the sudden, the hurricane disappears.

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Being Productive While On Vacation

Being Productive While On Vacation

I took some time off in order to focus on preparing to apply for graduate school in the upcoming months. The first half of the semester will be intense. I must get the fundamentals done before school starts.

Between the days and nights, I have been working on music, and learning a bit more of mixing, a skill I am currently developing.

I would like to share what I have been doing lately to keep myself on track academically and musically.

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Pressing The Record Button

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The time to explore, experiment, and create music has started again. After focusing on summer school, I finally have some time to record ideas.

On that note, hitting the record button was a scary thing to do.

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Writing Down The Anxiety

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Today, I noticed that I did not focus as much as I planned. I masked my process of busyness by doing something else that was important, but not urgent. I have a deadline to finish. However, I did not focus as much on the latter, and still, I felt productive somehow. Though the work and planning I got done at that time served me to clarify some ideas, the original plan for the day got off the rails. It is not necessarily bad at this stage in life. However, this lack of focus on the main task can hinder my future endeavors.

Prioritize and execute: something I read and it is applicable to me now. I am writing this as a reminder of keeping what is both essential and urgent. There are techniques and approaches to make the best decision when a situation like this happens: a sensation that everything is important, and that everything is urgent.

This can be overwhelming.

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