I’d like to share with you my newest beat on Beatstars. This one was an interesting one for me because I didn’t expect to turn this dark. When I started making the beat, I was envisioning a feeling of closure, a feeling of redemption.
It turned out differently.
Once I started adding the melodies, I instantly felt the desperation the sound was portraying. Imaging a feeling of sadness that happens when you know something inevitable is going to happen. Hence, the title, “Imminent Chaos”. It felt right to name it that way.
As far as the structure goes, I went to a fast tempo, 150 bpm with a half time feeling. I spend more time on my hi hat patterns because I feel that’s one of the areas to improve with my music. Also, I tried different patterns with the kick drum. I liked how it turned out at the end.
One thing I still need to be okay with is the 808 bass. I’m sure I will make them sound better. On this occasion, the whole mix peaks at -6db. I hope to hear what a mixing engineer can do with the stems.
Please let me know what you think of it. Constructive feedback is always welcomed. Feel free to use the contact form to get in touch.
I’d like to start with some updates since my last post:
I feel back to normal from my severe insomnia that I had for months. Now I have a more structured day and normal hours. I’ve been making music regularly and I’ve reached a point where I decided to move forward to the next step with Phantasiis:
Start giving value to what I make.
That’s why I decided to make the first step and created a Beatstars account. I only have this song for now and I will upload some unreleased songs in the next few days. It’s a nerve-racking feeling because I never tried to sell my music, other than sharing my songs from Spotify or SoundCloud. I feel that I’m at level where I feel that my music sounds the way I like.
I have a creative project going on in the background for all of you, which I hope you’ll enjoy. I’ll write more about the details once I have a finished product. For now, it is a mystery (?).
On another note, I started to play my electric guitar again out of nowhere. Not necessarily creating something with the intention to record it, but just for the fun and the pure pleasure of it. I realized that my hands actually get sore now after extended play. I suppose it is time to do those stretching exercises (there’s some by John Petrucci on Youtube in case you’d like to do some, too).
Also, I’d like to share with you that this is my first week as a Graduate student. It is interesting how life as turned out. I’m working on becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. I hope to keep you posted on my progress and stuff that I find interesting. I miss writing psychology articles, such as the one for Morita Therapy that I did a few years ago.
It feels good be writing for the blog again. I hope that you are doing well. As always, feel free to email me using the contact form with your comments or questions.
Here’s a new beat that I made recently. I hope that you like it. I spent several days without making any music. I’ve been, however, playing my guitar and doing freestyles in Spanish to get a creative flow going.
I’m finally sleeping better and feel like a human being again. I feel that my body is still recovering from extended sleep deprivation. I’m feeling great nonetheless.
I feel that I’m making progress with my music. Perhaps not in quality or uniqueness if you will, but I do feel a certain change on how I make music. I feel that I’m finally have some sort of system going on. A process where I can hear the song in my head and translate it to my DAW.
I’m slowly but surely switching from using Mac to PC. Mostly because of school and software compatibility. I’ve been okay with the transition. I’m going to miss Logic Pro for sure, it is great for mixing. I like its workflow.
For now, I’ve been producing on FL Studio 20. I’m still working on getting to know the program well and I know just enough to create songs and do mixes. It’s a great software.
For this song, I’ve used XLN Audio RC-20 plug in. It’s my first time using it and I like how it sounds so far. Perhaps it will be a constant tool on future songs.
Here’s a playlist of several singles that I released today on my SoundCloud. For some reason which I yet need to explore, I didn’t want to release it. Perhaps it was a sensation of impostor syndrome disguised as procrastination. I had several songs finished and ready to go, and I still did not do the last step -the easiest one, release them- for several weeks.
I believe I got trapped in a ‘it still needs to improve’ mindset. From now on, I’m going to release more frequently and with less hesitation about quality. I want to release well mixed music, of course. However, what might sound bad for me, my be good for others. It’s all about perspective. I need to be okay with that.
I’m still having recurring insomnia and is getting into a point of frustration. I hope, that with better sleep hygiene and cutting on caffeine I can rest better. I’m revisiting some of books which discuss sleep and how to optimize it. If I get results from what I learn, I’ll share here.
Lastly, I have a question for you:
How often does it happen to you when you have a finished product of any kind, and self-doubt kicks in and you delay its release? I’m not completely sure is self-doubt most of the time. I think there’s something deeper than that. Who knows? Hence, the question. Please let me know in the comments section what is your answer. Also, if you liked any of the songs from this playlist below.
It’s been a while since I’ve made a blog post. I’ve been working in the background. Making songs on a regular basis and learning new software.
Here’s some updates I’d like to share with you since my absence:
I’ve noticed that I’m more creative when I wake up earlier than later in the day. The days where I wake up early are the days where I grab some coffee and start working on music.
I moved to my own place -finally- and it has been great having my own space to dwell on my creativity and just be alone.
I released a 3 song EP under my side project Phantasiis, which is titled, ‘Take It Easy’. You can find it here .
I’ve been doing freestyle rap in Spanish and recording myself doing it. It’s been really fun and sometimes I do get in to a flow state.
I’ve bought a microphone that is surprisingly small, but it works for practice purposes.
I’ve got into console gaming, I’ve been playing Apex Legends on Xbox for a few weeks and I’ve been loving it.
Finally bought a TV -never owned one- soon to realize that I don’t really use it to watch anything. It is more to listen to music and occasional YouTube videos.
I realized that I haven’t learned anything about music as of lately, rather I’ve been applying what I know and find new ways to work with that.
I could not move forward to my Masters Program in Data Science due to time constrains.
Instead, I got accepted into a Certificate program for Business Intelligence Analysis by UC San Diego. It has been a great experience and excellent community.
I noticed I’ve reached a point in life where I don’t need much to live comfortably and make music. All I really need is a computer, mouse, and good headphones.
I’ve been having bad insomnia but it has been getting better.
I got into audio books and I really enjoy listening to something interesting while doing something rather mundane. It turns that task into an experience.
I stopped meditating. I don’t have a clear reason why as of now. I feel I’ve reach a point where I meditate through music. I noticed when I was in my meditation period for several months, I didn’t create many songs. Something to think about. Will write about it later.
Lastly, I’ve been thinking a lot about this website. I believe this blog and writing in general is a great outlet for me to express my thoughts and clarify my mind. Hopefully some of this content brought value to you at some point. However, I feel that Ernesto Delirium is not a name I want to keep using for the blog. The main reason is that I don’t plan to release more songs under that project anymore. It was a great experience, but I’d like to focus all of my energy to Phantasiis and keeping it consistent.
Therefore, I’ll change the website address to reflect that change. I don’t know how long the process is going to take, but I’ll make the necessary changes. Also, changing the website design would be a plus, too.
More music to come, especially instrumental hip-hop. I’d like to get back into writing articles about psychology and music as well, time will tell.
I hope you are doing well with all of the chaos going in the world.
Here’s a song that I’ve made recently. It’s an instrumental where I try to emulate the Lo-Fi genre. I hope you like it!
I stopped making music for several weeks due to my mental state and negative mindset. I started exercising during that time and did meditation consistently.
I feel that I started to notice a difference about three months in. I started to have more energy and was gradually becoming more at peace with myself.
That was the hardest. I’m the type of person that’s harsh towards itself. I’m my worst critic, and this feeling intensified after leaving the hospital.
Friends have been instrumental during those tough times. Without their support and unconditional love, I would probably be dwelling on negativity. Thank you for being there for me. You know who you are.
I’ve been listening to a lot of hip-hop lately. It helps me stay focused and keep a groove when I’m shadow boxing or going for a walk. The picture below is from jog where I had to start writing some verses on my phone. That was the day when I recovered my inspiration for the craft.
I got the opportunity to join a non-profit as a full-time employee. Right now I’m adjusting to the schedule and seeing what are going to be my time windows for creativity. I’m somewhat worried that my physical activity will decrease as well as my musical output.
Going for walks during my lunch break have been good for me and I want to keep them consistent.
One thing that has been helpful is improvising a standup desk. I used my piano stand and a guitar case and voila. This setup has been great for my back and overall posture. I feel more comfortable during music sessions by alternating siting and standing. I wonder why I didn’t think about this before.
I’ve been reading about Japanese psychology once again. This book has been helpful many times when I’m not doing well or I feel that I’m not being proactive. I found this podcast which has brought me to the world of spirituality and understand more about meditation. I’ve been listening to many episodes and I find meaning with the teachings. Sometimes the stories bring tears to my eyes.
I’ve been doing a lot of healing during my meditations. Feelings of guilt, sadness, pain, anger and sorrow have been present when I’m meditating. I let them consume me and release them in silence. This has been highly therapeutic for me.
I’m in a better place now. My mental state has improved to the point of feeling like my usual self. I feel more connected to something greater than myself. I’m becoming more attuned with my body.
I’m giving myself permission to be happy. I’m allowing myself to enjoy life and be okay with who I am. After being in a dark place for several weeks, I feel that I’m recovering my identity and confidence. I’m making progress.
There’s plenty of inner work to do. I’m glad for that because it means plenty of growth opportunities. Its a road that I hope never ends.
It’s been 12 years since I started this path. Mental illness wasn’t the problem. The struggle was how to regain my confidence and self-esteem after the first onset of symptoms.
In retrospect, I felt like an observer. I was aware of my surroundings and the people around me. The constant struggle to try to belong to the scene that was right in front of me. Family reunions, going out with friends, going to a concert. Anything social was uncomfortable to me.
More importantly, I felt I wasn’t my true self.
When I’ve moved to the US 10 years ago, the idea of being an observer started to fade. I became careless about it. I was happy to start a new chapter in life where I could be more independent. I’ve lost school years during my time in Mexico, and I was determined to never let that happen again. Until my symptoms started to take a slow and tender grip on me.
And there I was, going to school with the best intentions to not breakdown. I had the will to not surrender. I had to prove myself that I could do it, that I could belong to the group. Instead of being an observer, I’ve became a witness of my own thoughts. I’ve started to become anxious about others being witness of my symptoms.
The daily inner battle lasted for several years. I’ve started to evolve with it. Faking that nothing was happening with me. I became desensitized of my needs, and it took a toll on me from time to time. By this I mean going to the hospital several times because I couldn’t take it anymore.
Stigma is real and I believe that mental illness is a topic that not many of us like to discuss. Perhaps is lack of understanding, or simply lack of sensibility.
What if instead of talking about mental illness, we reframe the context to mental wellness? The emotions and ideas portrayed by the word ‘illness’ and ‘wellness’ are diametrically opposed. However, these two terms are interwoven, they are connected. You cannot have one without the other.
I’m a human being that’s working towards that balance. I tend to overextend myself when I’m doing something that I love. It may be when I’m working or studying, being with friends, being in a relationship, or making music. These are things that I tend to have trouble to keep in harmony.
I’ve got the opportunity to recover my path after a recent hospitalization. I’ve moved the start of my graduate program for the spring, and I’m working on getting more experience on the field of psychology and mental wellness. What I’ve noticed about this, is the way I’m experiencing it.
I’m becoming more aware and attuned to my body through meditation. I’ve been doing it more often, and now I’ve got the opportunity to join a group of guided meditation. I’m learning to regain my attention and focus on what’s around me. Sometimes is hard to practice it, but I try my best on every chance.
I haven’t played much music, nor composed anything. I just don’t feel ready for now. I’ve been writing on my journal, and talking with family and friends. Trying to pick up my pieces together after my resent episode. I’ve been applying to different jobs and trying to reconnect with myself, once again.
Taking stock on how I’ve dealt with my relationships with people I love is something I’m working on this morning. In order to that, I need to slow down.