“You’re an outlier,” she told me. “You’ve achieved so much compared to others,” she added. I couldn’t hold it. My eyes started tearing. My voice was cracking. I couldn’t reply to her. I’ve heard that before.
She might be right, but I felt like a failure. For the rest of the day, I was too agitated to go to school. I went back home, driving as best as I could, running on an empty tank, still scared to go and put gas to my car. I also was running on empty. Out of energy, will, and expectations.
It was one of those days, were I felt a post-appointment stress, if you will.
I’ve noticed that every time I go to the doctor or therapy, I walk out overwhelmed. Sometimes, a bit worse than how I got in. It’s not a bad thing most of the times. It’s part of my process. However, today was different.
When my doctor told me that I was an outlier, I believed her. Several doctors have told me that over the years, but I don’t feel special to be honest. I’ve worked hard for all I’ve got, true. It hasn’t being an easy ride, either. Should I feel proud of my accomplishments? Perhaps. The thing is that I don’t feel proud. More often than not, I feel like a joke.
I feel like someone who’s trying too hard for no other reason other than to prove himself. You know what? That’s as best as I can describe myself. I’m compensating hard for all the things that happened. For all the things I lack, for the things I didn’t have. It is just that, compensating.
It’s the fear of loosing everything and myself along the way that pushes me to go beyond what I can. It’s the fear of failure that I can’t stand. After failing several times, I had enough of it. Hence, the anxiety grows exponentially when I’m between transitions. I feel miserable and at the same time I try to mask it. It’s a fight that I’m doing alone most of the time.
Unfortunately, I haven’t made much progress doing my part fighting the stigma towards mental health. With my silence I’ve just add to it at best. And here I am, trying to be open about mental health on this blog. I wish I could talk about this more openly with others. However, most of the times I’ve tried, either the conversation stops, or the people don’t look at me the same way before. That’s a bummer.
I’ll be thinking on ways I can talk about mental health with others. For now, this blog has been an outlet for it. I’ve been following fellow bloggers and there’s so much I can relate to all of them. To all of you that take a minute to read me, I want to say thank you.
Until then,
-E.
