Guilty As A Friend.
Being a friend and a confident is not always easy. For me, there are times where I cannot even handle my own feelings, and I need to be alone. The problem is that, when I am angry or anxious, and a friend needs to vent with me, it usually does not go well.
I become too sensitive, irritable, and my empathy is virtually non-existent.
And I know that my friends do not deserve that attitude; all that I need to do is to listen and be present for them. When I am feeling like that, however, it is difficult to snap out of it at will.
I feel that there are times where I am too focused on myself.
It is a sensation of selfishness with no real purpose.
It bothers me.
That makes me feel guilty as a friend and as a person. It makes me feel that I am powerless and with no control once my negativity sets in. It is a sensation of tunnel vision, where the only thing I see is just my own frustrations and fears. It feels like a trap: once I get caught, it takes time to get myself free.
My friends cannot wait that long.
I shall be more aware of how I feel during those times where I am needed. If I do not feel my real self, I shall mention it beforehand, but to not use it as an excuse to not be there for my friends. What I would like to practice is to focus on the other, and turn that into my purpose. If I am in the tunnel, at least I know that I can walk until the end with someone next to me. Perhaps, following the path together until the end, will result on both us getting out of it with the minimal resistance.
Knowing that it is okay to be sad, angry, or anxious, and still be able to show empathy and love, gives me relief. I feel that this feeling of guilt that happens when I am not okay can be refocused with a solution that will require two individuals. It will take practice, but I feel it is doable.
In good friendship,
-E.
Phantasiis 