Being Vulnerable

Finding a human being that genuinely cares about what one does, how one thinks, how one behaves, and on one’s potential is finding someone beautiful and rare.

I am fortunate enough to have beautiful human beings in my life.

 

This realization has been on my mind lately, and I am finally writing about it. Finding someone who is a beautiful human means that I should be reciprocal as well. For me however, being caring and showing empathy is difficult sometimes, particularly when I am stressed.

I am a person who has the tendency to internalize most, if not all, negative feelings. I tend to keep my anxiety, frustration, and anger for myself. There are various reasons of why I show this behavior, but that is another story. What I realized is that I had the illusion that I was actually good at pretending being fine or that whatever I was going through did not affect me. Perhaps, earlier in life I was good at keeping walls and distance among my peers and partners, but these walls are becoming fragile, and there are cracks all over them. This means that light can finally pass through, but all my emotions and negativity can flow outside of them as well. In short, my voice, and non-verbal cues are finally showing the feelings that I tried so hard to hide from others, and people around me are picking-up on that. Knowing the latter makes me feel self-conscious about my feelings, which is not necessarily bad. What I saw was an opportunity to be vulnerable with others, and I feel grateful that by being honest with my feelings, the few bonds that I have with people are improving, getting stronger in both directions.

And that makes me genuinely happy.

Last night, I had a conversation with someone I really care about, a beautiful human. There was not a specific topic going on, we just talked about what had been bothering us lately, with the freedom of not being judged by each other. There were sad topics, and tears from both parties. There were moments of laughter, joy, and excitement about each other’s goals and future endeavors. We were vulnerable, and authentic about it, and I feel that being authentic with someone is invigorating and a unique experience. I understand that my walls sooner or later will fall. Having these walls and not letting anyone in, results in myself never getting out. But not anymore.

It is not easy to talk about what I feel, however, I am practicing it. I hope, that this will help me strengthen the bonds I have, and also build new ones.

I wonder how these new feelings and realizations about the self are going to translate into music.

Time will tell.

Until then,

-E.